In the Night
I hope you know how you pulled the floor out from under me that night.
I hope you know I trusted no one but you.
I hope you know you took that from me too.
I hope you forgive yourself for everything
Except for what you did to me.
No one should live in guilt
But you never showed regret.
I hope you find it in the night
And that it stays with you for a while.
I hope you know I came up from the ashes ten times stronger.
That I had to.
That I am not who I am because of your influence
But because of your one final example.
That as hard as you tried to change me
I could only change in facing your neglect.
I hope you know you blocked the light from reaching me.
That your attempt to “protect” me was an indoctrination.
I hope you know you failed in making me you.
That you can’t replace good with hate.
That you said you put me in your locket because I was perfect.
That you took me out the day I became real.
That family doesn’t do this.
I hope you know your abuse will hurt you more than it will hurt me.
I hope you know what you did to me that night.
That you made me so small I could’ve disappeared.
That you threw me down so hard on the floor that it broke again.
That just for a second I believed you were right.
That it was a second longer than it should’ve been.
That I ran through the streets of New York
Trying to find the moment things went wrong.
That I could’ve searched forever
But it’s not my job to fix something so broken.
I hope you know you are not what is best for this world.
That I have lived more in twenty-six years than you ever will.
That I am good and real
Not because of you, but despite you.
I hope you know that when I met you to talk about it
That you didn’t deserve it.
That you are not entitled to project your damaged past on me.
I hope you know I remember the things you said when I was a child.
That I was good enough to know they weren’t right.
I hope you know the only thing you ever gave me was shame.
That your final gift was a relief I didn’t know I needed.
But, I hope you know that until that moment
I denied that you could be the something bad
Others said you were.
I defended you always.
I hope you know.
I hope you know how you betrayed the best thing you will ever have.
That you took away what was most important to your kids.
That I will live in honor of what you tried to take from me.
That I am bigger than you.
I hope you know I learned to love the moment I let you go.
That I could finally say “I love you” without insecurity.
That when you stopped pretending you loved me
You revealed that you don’t like me.
I hope you know that when you said I was nothing
You failed at the one small thing that should’ve been easy.
That you did this all on your own.